[A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

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[A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Sandros Shvilkovsky on Fri Sep 05, 2014 6:02 am

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TL;DR Version:

According to the implorations of our Inranian Allies, Kelstenkovsky Co. PR Dept is releasing the following condensed infograph for all you need to know about your Favourite Job Provider – the Unscrupulous Mega Enterprise Kelstenkovsky Co.

Currently the main hub for employment in our excellentious corporation is the Kelstenkovsky Co. Pharmaceutical Wing that has expanded its trade of fine “herbs” and “elixirs” to the majestic city of Stormwind. We are currently collecting various personnel to contribute to the production, distribution and security of our brilliant merchandise.

Additionally, Kelstenkovsky Co offers the opportunity to explore other aspects of our corporate lifestyle, such as decimating our rivals and ensuring understandance with the authorities. Or any other tasks that may come up in the future.

To explore all of the above in finer detail, visit our website at [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Proper Version for Non-sloth-based Lifeforms:

Greetings Unaffiliated Entities,

After centuries of incarceration deep within Blizz Edward’s correctional facility, Kelstenkovsky Co public relations department rejoices to announce the successful recovery of its illustrious co-founder and CEO – Kovsky, Lord of Modd™. Rest assured that Ed’s best efforts to “cure” our demigodic executive of his holy toxicity and blessed obnoxiousness have shattered fruitlessly against the obdurate fortress of his testicular tenacity.

In celebration of this monumental event, Kelstenkovsky Co is revitalizing the World of Warcraft branch of its operations in shape of our Level 25 Guild intended for Socialized Acquirement of Levelic Numericals and Flexible Hours Roleplaying Casualities. We are proud to inject the job market of the Alliance with a generous superfluity of employment opportunities in the following sectors:

Leveling Sector
Repetitive slaughter of native flora and fauna of Azeroth and Outland for the alleged betterment of the ecosystem; persistent genocide of sentient population groups as per generic hot elf’s request; performance of mushroom collecting tasks for generic manwalrus whose NPC religion prohibits walking two yards to the left and doing it himself.

Roleplaying Sector
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Contribution* to Kelstenkovsky Co’s vendetta against the Tyrant King and his foul minions coupled with pharmaceutical ambitions to supply the honourable populace of Stormwind with our “fine herbs” and “refreshing brews” of not at all hallucinogenic, chemically addictive or mentally altering nature. All instances of such are purely coincidental and of no relation to Kelstenkovsky Co’s excellent produce (verified by Kelstenkovsky Co’s very own and fully independent Human Experimentation Department).
*Contribution may be self-sacrificial if the need arises.

Social Sector
Instigation of and participation in Hkhendy-class hilarity through a variety of communication platforms (guild chat, teamspeak, skype, etc.) and routine toughening of personal tolerance to Modd™ substances exposure (e.g. butthurt, assharm) as well as the various methods involved in their processing (e.g. disparagement, ridicule).

Manufacturing Sector
Labour under excellent conditions* at one of Kelstenkovsky Co’s Product Assembly Lines dedicated to the loving creation of jubilance-invoking merchandise for our dear fellows. You will have the opportunity to join the magical process that stood behind incredibly popular products such as Top Scrubs ( [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] ) and Magic the Maddening ( [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] ).
*Workers may choose their own working hours but are highly encouraged to strive towards a 23-hour day lest they wish to be a detriment to our glorious corporation.

At the current stage of recruitmincular salvagings Kelstenkovsky Co is issuing a joint set of required credentials that applies to all and any one of the offered sectors of employment. To successfully qualify for a loving membership in our corporate familural unit, you must:

> Have chronologically completed sixteen Earth years of lifetime.
> Have healthily developed humourilic glands which you are able to fan on command.
> Have either a Skin Thickness factor of at least 50 or a Butt Health value of no less than 200.
> Be able to transform at will all wordular modules without exception in to Spanic verbs.
> Be fully acquainted and agree with all corporate regulations which you will find on our website ( [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] ) in the Regulations sub-menu.
> Have an all-consuming ambition to merge with the very essence that is Kelstenkovsky Co.

Should you feel a match for what we seek, we welcome you to contact any active member of the corporation or visit our recruitment forums for the arrangement of an interview and a mandatory inspection of bodily orifices.

In conclusions, Kelstenkovsky Co PR department would like to invite everyone’s attention to our 1st Constitutional Amendment which proudly launches our swell corporation to the very vanguard of humanitarian virtue ( [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] ).

Vacuum our collective genitalia,
Kelstenkovsky Co Public Relations Department


Last edited by Sandros Shvilkovsky on Mon Sep 08, 2014 11:05 am; edited 2 times in total

Sandros Shvilkovsky

Posts : 36
Join date : 2014-09-05
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Name: Shvilkovsky
Title: Chief Executive Officer

http://kelstenkovsky.co.uk/

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Marezzo on Sun Sep 07, 2014 2:24 am

Looking forward to see how this evolves..
Good luck out there! Smile

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by kelstena on Mon Sep 08, 2014 8:07 am

Hi Marezzo, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise for my lack of response yesterday! I was dealing with guild chat, whispers from yourself, and battleground and party chat at the same time! I certainly did not mean to neglect our discussion and only noticed when you logged off. If it suits you I'd like to continue discussing the act of smuggling with you later on today?

Apologies again,
Kelstenajin

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Helmut on Mon Sep 08, 2014 2:07 pm

Sandros Shvilkovsky wrote:
[center]Roleplaying Sector
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Contribution* to Kelstenkovsky Co’s vendetta against the Tyrant King and his foul minions...

So you are taking the OOC disagreements you've had with Lavian, Vardrek, me and other people and use it as an IC, role playing narrative. How..?

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Sandros Shvilkovsky on Mon Sep 08, 2014 2:54 pm

Who the fuck are you, mate?

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Helmut on Mon Sep 08, 2014 2:59 pm

Sandros Shvilkovsky wrote:Who the fuck are you, mate?

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by kelstena on Mon Sep 08, 2014 3:25 pm

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Helmut on Mon Sep 08, 2014 4:26 pm

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by erwtenpeller on Mon Sep 08, 2014 5:14 pm

...How did the most amazing registry post I have ever seen dissolve into image spam so quickly? Lame.

This guild looks fun, interesting and different. I like it!

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Lavian on Mon Sep 08, 2014 6:09 pm

Helmut wrote:
Sandros Shvilkovsky wrote:
[center]Roleplaying Sector
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Contribution* to Kelstenkovsky Co’s vendetta against the Tyrant King and his foul minions...

So you are taking the OOC disagreements you've had with Lavian, Vardrek, me and other people and use it as an IC, role playing narrative. How..?

I won't lie. After reading my name by you Helmut, then checking this link. I have no recollection in memory of being involved with these people before.

_____________________________________________________
"Lavian" - Former Scourge officer, Knight of the Ebon Vigil.

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by kelstena on Mon Sep 08, 2014 6:49 pm

Clara Dawson wrote:
Helmut wrote:
Sandros Shvilkovsky wrote:
[center]Roleplaying Sector
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Contribution* to Kelstenkovsky Co’s vendetta against the Tyrant King and his foul minions...

So you are taking the OOC disagreements you've had with Lavian, Vardrek, me and other people and use it as an IC, role playing narrative. How..?

I won't lie. After reading my name by you Helmut, then checking this link. I have no recollection in memory of being involved with these people before.

Vad fan mate you're the tyrant King himself... Are we that miniscule to you that you literally forgot about your reign of tyranny over us?

kelstena

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Lavian on Mon Sep 08, 2014 7:27 pm

Maybe.

_____________________________________________________
"Lavian" - Former Scourge officer, Knight of the Ebon Vigil.

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Sandros Shvilkovsky on Tue Sep 09, 2014 7:20 am

How typical of the Tyrant King. To be so above all that is human to not even remember those he oppressed. How many are harbored within the depths of your inconsiderate oblivion of a memory? Thousands? Hundreds of Thousands? You shall be ended.

Sandros Shvilkovsky

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Helmut on Tue Sep 09, 2014 7:26 am

Sandros Shvilkovsky wrote:How typical of the Tyrant King. To be so above all that is human to not even remember those he oppressed. How many are harbored within the depths of your inconsiderate oblivion of a memory? Thousands? Hundreds of Thousands? You shall be ended.

Once again: The whole tyrant king was OOC so why base your RP on it?

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Bradley on Tue Sep 09, 2014 8:00 am

Helmut wrote:Once again: The whole tyrant king was OOC so why base your RP on it?

Quit your shit and stop taking things so seriously, you've spammed up this post enough already

I haven't seen any of 'em around ingame naturally but they all seem pretty solid, and this recruitment post is top notch

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by kelstena on Tue Sep 09, 2014 8:02 am

Helmut wrote:
Sandros Shvilkovsky wrote:How typical of the Tyrant King. To be so above all that is human to not even remember those he oppressed. How many are harbored within the depths of your inconsiderate oblivion of a memory? Thousands? Hundreds of Thousands? You shall be ended.

Once again: The whole tyrant king was OOC so why base your RP on it?

Listen mate, not only are you on the gauntlet list, you're about to be on the VIP Guest List for the Kelstenkovic Underground Relaxation Facility.

We were unable to sell our wares thanks to the Tyrant King disallowing the interaction with any Kelstenkovic Entity during the Great Ostracising of 2013, and embargoing all trade to the corporation during the Great Embargoing of 2013. It is due to both of these historic events that the Tyrant King and his cronies are wanted.

Cup our balls,
Kelstenkovsky Co Storyline Continuity and Literature Modification Department.

kelstena

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Helmut on Tue Sep 09, 2014 8:27 am

Well, it was with support from me that Lavian banned you from the LFRP channel after you wrote very explict erotism on it, which is something that channel is not for.

But I wonder, again, what that has to do with RP.

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by kelstena on Tue Sep 09, 2014 9:42 am

Dearest Helmet,

It is with melancholy that I pen this letter.

It has come to the attention of Kelstenkovsky Co.'s dweeb-detection department that you are claiming to be in-charge of the LFRP channel.

We would like to make it formally clear that you are in fact NOT the leader of the LFRP channel, and in-fact any attempt to insinuate that you hold such a position will be met with ruthless legal action from Kelstenkovsky Co.'s finest law-brandishing advocates.

In retort to your allegations of our "explicit erotism" we would like to refute these as quite frankly unfounded nonsense. In our expertly humble opinion, donning a robe and wizard hat does not constitute "explicit erotism" and nor does performing mandatory bodily orifice examinations on Talgom.

If you continue with this tirade of slander, we will be forced to give you your mandatory bodily orifice examination sans-lube.

Sphincterally Yours,
Kelstenkovsky Co. Crisis Management, Dweeb Detection and Mandatory Bodily Orifice Examination Department.

kelstena

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by erwtenpeller on Tue Sep 09, 2014 9:49 am

...This... Is the greatest thing...

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Coppersocket on Tue Sep 09, 2014 10:24 am

Of course Helmut isn't. I am.

I'm the only bastard who bothers to get people banned when shit starts hitting the fan.

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Thelos on Tue Sep 09, 2014 10:57 am

What is Modd?

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Adry on Tue Sep 09, 2014 11:22 am

Thelos wrote:What is Modd?

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Here is everything you could ever need to know about the wonderous thing that is Modd™.

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Sandros Shvilkovsky on Tue Sep 09, 2014 12:16 pm

Dearest comedian-aspiring critics,

Kelstenkovsky Co. would like to address you with the following dual statement:

1) First and foremost, Kelstenkovsky Co. is currently experiencing its most severe case of humour-stimulated diaphragmatic contractions since the Great Kitchen Laughening of Lancastery University. It is with a gaping heart that we endorse your ingenious concept that we, the alleged "trollers" and "lollers", have invested more effort in to our supposed "trolling of your RP" in the past few days than most of you have dedicated to your "extemely serious and only for grown up boys and girls" (also known as "bland" and "dull" to anyone who isn't you) RP in the past eleven decades. Our entire executive office is currently enjoying your khkendy-class entertainment gesture to the fullest. Thanks.

2) Secondly, we would like to announce that after the recent largely self-induced enmoddenings of Kelten, Helmut and the like, Kelstenkovsky Co. Survey Teams have rummaged through their collective excrement and discovered nothing short of an entire mountain range of fresh butthurt and assharm deposits. Moreover, a unit lead by the Gracious Kelstenajin himself has discovered an altogether new mineral which we have labeled Bumsore. Our Research Department is already hard at work analyzing its properties and developing an integration plan for implementing it to the Modd™ refinement process.

In honour of this historical development, Kelstenkovsky Co. PR Department would like to extend a formal K-Co V.I.P. Status to all the selfless depositees, all of whom will be treated to a complimentary tour of our Premium Underground Relaxation Center during our upcoming October Anniversary Fund Raising Event.

Homoerotically attracted to your alpha male pheromones,
Kelstenkovsky Co. Public Relations and Crisis Management Departments

P.S. Kelstenkovsky Co. would like to stipulate that the entity designated as "Coppersocket" has relinquished all administrative privileges upon being conceived in the ancient times of nobody cares.

Sandros Shvilkovsky

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Vaell on Tue Sep 09, 2014 5:06 pm

A clever and well worded troll, but I'm concerned with how much thought has gone into this. If it were one or two posts, I'd have donned a hat and tipped it to you. It just feels like... you're trying a bit too hard to be funny. You should start out with puns next time. Everyone likes puns.

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

Post by Anivitas on Tue Sep 09, 2014 5:14 pm

I don't even.

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Re: [A] Kelstenkovsky Co Career Opportunities

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