Arcane Agony Aunt

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Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Swan Emperor Arenfel on Mon Sep 02, 2013 8:36 am

The Stormwind Times, Mage Quarter Monthly, Dalarani Daily & Notice Boards of all Alliance Capital Cities have added a new section to their papers this week. The Arcane Agony Aunt! In this mail-in section, confused, troubled wielders of magic and their friends & families are able to share their troubles with the world. All questions will then be answered by Archmage Arenfel Serentyne of the Kirin-Tor, who is less than happy at the lack of an "uncle" prefix for the column.

Note: Issues which require a degree of sensitivity are kept anonymous, to protect the individual and their privacy.

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Swan Emperor Arenfel on Mon Sep 02, 2013 10:02 am

Most Esteemed Archmage

As a concerned individual who has seen a great deal of magic abuse, I would like to ask what the restrictions are on your human casters. It seems that the magi of Stormwind and the Kirin Tor wander the streets practicing polymorph spells on every critter they come across; they use full portal spells to get halfway across the city when walking would be nearly as swift; indeed, they conjure food and water for a "light snack" daily.

It seems that this is a culture of convenience, and mixing this with the arcane seems a spectacularly bad idea. What I am asking is, is this strictly legal? What can we do, the residents of Stormwind; what part may we take to help curtail this casual abuse?

I am fairly certain it went poorly once before. Something about demons.

- With concern,
Anhagath
Dear Anhagath.

Thank you for sharing your concerns with me, I am most pleased to be able to answer your query.

On the subject of widespread polymorph. No doubt you are referring to the sudden replacement of common street rats with atypical animals such as polar bears, porcupines, farm pigs and penguins. Have no fear. This is the result of rogue magi wishing to impress their colleagues with simple ineffectual low-level spell craft, and we at the Mage's Sanctum are working day and night to reverse the effects of this wonton sorcery. The acts of these individual hooligans do NOT represent the honest, upstanding, law-abiding members of the Alliance arcanist community.

On the topic of portals. I would like to remind all magi reading this column that the opening of portals to areas outside of the designated anchors appropriated by the Kirin-Tor, is a crime of the highest order. All magi who wish to open and sustain portals to un-designated anchor sites must apply for a D-6 portal license, by post or an interview with a Dalarani official.

What you have seen are not "portals", Anhagath. Rather you are witnessing short range teleportation. The difference is minute, perhaps even pedantic. The former - portals - create a rift in time and space which continuously renew and remain open, causing an unraveling effect when left unattended. The latter is a short burst of transmutation based spell craft, designed for instantaneous or instanced use. A one off, you might say. While I do not agree with the liberal use of teleportation, it can serve a purpose. In my own experience it has been used to solve situations that require increased mobility, such as catching dangerous criminals; or transporting those in need of aid. Some may use it to avoid exercise, though do keep an open mind that it has its uses.

After all, abusers of teleportation are easy to spot by their stretched belts and double chins.

While we're on the subject of double chins! The creation of conjured food is nothing to be alarmed about. Conjured produce can never succeed the original foodstuff it has been duplicated from, it always disappears a short time after its creation, and it carries no risk to the imbiber. Unless it's cursed, then I urge you to avoid. Usually cursed food is purple, useful tip!

The Kirin-Tor have strict laws on the mass conjuring of food to "cure" outbreaks of famine. Conjured food is incapable of offering true nutrition, no living being can sustain themselves on it indefinitely. Those who try have their bodies crippled as they become malnourished, eventually dying of starvation. Rest assured, the Violet Wardens are always on the look out for such dangers!

I do hope this has been of help.

- With Regards,
Archmage Serentyne.

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Swan Emperor Arenfel on Mon Sep 02, 2013 4:01 pm

Archmage Serentyne,

It is often said that magic usage should be controlled. But how is it to have a water elemental conjured and in control at most times. Would that be counted as illegal usage of magic or...?
Signed,
Worried sorceress.[/quote]
A water elemental is a conjurer's best friend (note: conjured elementals do not possess feelings of attachment)! If you are an apprentice, is it not advised you create an elemental taller than the height of your kneecap; or wider than your thigh. As you grow more comfortable with the summoning ritual, you will be able to gradually build up to a decent sized companion! However summoning one can be taxing to the novice, conjuring two is strictly out of the question for any period longer than a minute!

The Kirin-Tor nor the Grand Alliance have laws regarding elemental simulacrums, though binding a sentient elemental will most likely invite trouble from the Earthern Ring. I would advise you not to subjugate existing elementals and continue creating them from your own Arcane Intellect.


With regards,
Archmage Serentyne.

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by erwtenpeller on Tue Sep 03, 2013 4:41 am

(( This is absolutely brilliant. I'm going to send letters. ))

Most Exteemt Argmage,

I wus a workin as a housemaid in Theramore. After the incident, 's all sorts 'o things been happenin' 'round the house. 'S the candle-sticks yeah, they keep movin' when I swear I ain't had a touch. Milord says 't aint no thing but all this talk 'bout mana 'n whatchacallit-- Argane, things, 'S got me thinkin'. Also, me hair's gone 'n turned white 'n I ain't no day over thirty cross me heart!

I figger you magin' types may be knowin' wha's goin' on? Should I be worried?
*signed with a crude "X"*

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Swan Emperor Arenfel on Tue Sep 03, 2013 5:03 am

erwtenpeller wrote:

Most Exteemt Argmage,

I wus a workin as a housemaid in Theramore. After the incident, 's all sorts 'o things been happenin' 'round the house. 'S the candle-sticks yeah, they keep movin' when I swear I ain't had a touch. Milord says 't aint no thing but all this talk 'bout mana 'n whatchacallit-- Argane, things, 'S got me thinkin'. Also, me hair's gone 'n turned white 'n I ain't no day over thirty cross me heart!

I figger you magin' types may be knowin' wha's goin' on? Should I be worried?
*signed with a crude "X"*
Dear "X",

Could you describe the nature of the incident in more detail? Mana is a part of the world and our own spiritual makeup by default, a natural source of energy. It only reacts when excited, when a spell is cast. Most likely your lord has been fiddling around with an animation spell and the unfortunate backlash has given life to his candelabra collection.

P.S - You may have candle wax in your hair.


Yours sincerely,
Archmage Serentyne

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Swan Emperor Arenfel on Tue Sep 03, 2013 5:14 am

Dear Archmage Arenfel Serentyne of the Kirin-Tor.

I am a reasonably new user of the arcane, and thus over the past few months have learned several things. However recently I have come to discover my eyes sortoff.. shine more then usual. I was at.. a couple of points in time tricked into drinking a small amount of moonwell water, which at this point they started shimmering, and my powers got uncontrollable for a small amount of time. I expected the shimmer to vanish, but it has not, and I worry if this is permanent. Is this due to the moonwell water, or to my more increased usage of the arcane?

Signed,
Worried Arcanist.
Dear Worried Arcanist,

Taking the arcane into ones own body then releasing it in the form of a spell, is technically an unnatural process artificially done by bending the Ley Lines of the planet to produce magic. The human (I presume you are human) body is not accustomed to this, its rate of susceptibility to physical change during periods of concentrated or continuous spell casting is higher than our neighbours (elves, draenei, etc).

Do not worry! It is tantamount that you do NOT worry! Even with the effects of moonwell water on your Arcane Intellect, the shimmer in your eyes will fade over time. A week of abstinence from spell casting; or two weeks of reduced spell casting will remove it. Your natural eye colour may be slightly tinted blue for an indefinitely period of time, or purple!

Blue and purple are majestic colours! So there should be no problem at all!


With regards,
Archmage Serentyne.

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by siegmund on Tue Sep 03, 2013 5:17 am

Archmage Serentyne,

I am traveling around the wonderful world, my next destination are the Blasted lands to visit some old friends. I've studied and learned the arts of abjuration in the past, but i s still would love some new tips. I am well prepared for my travels so far, though not well enough for a few certain possible demons lurking around, namely those called Fel Hunters. I am unsure what sort of wards i should have pre-prepared if i somehow do encounter these nasty beasts and i've heard many mages are overpowered by them. Could you direct and/or give some tips on how to aproach this problem if it pops up?

With regards,
Tim the traveling mage

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Swan Emperor Arenfel on Tue Sep 03, 2013 5:54 am

siegmund wrote:
Archmage Serentyne,

I am traveling around the wonderful world, my next destination are the Blasted lands to visit some old friends. I've studied and learned the arts of abjuration in the past, but i s still would love some new tips. I am well prepared for my travels so far, though not well enough for a few certain possible demons lurking around, namely those called Fel Hunters. I am unsure what sort of wards i should have pre-prepared if i somehow do encounter these nasty beasts and i've heard many mages are overpowered by them. Could you direct and/or give some tips on how to aproach this problem if it pops up?

With regards,
Tim the traveling mage
Dear Tim,

Felhunters are also known as "felhound", or "fel stalkers". They are a quadrupedal canine species of demon, renowned for their hunting prowess and unmatched speed. They have been documented in the past as being the accompanying servants to a Pit Lord during Burning Legion assaults, to sniff out and kill enemy magi lurking out of the main forces field of vision.

During Kel'thuzad's crusade to give Archimonde the Defiler passage to Azeroth a number of felhunters were seen assisting the scourge, seven powerful well-trained hounds were able to undermine the Kirin-Tor's elite spellcasters. You have to realize at this time, we were not so used to combating demons in the masses we are today.

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Please direct your attention to the above diagram. A felhunter has no audio-visual receptors, no organs for sight, no "eyes". It is theorized that when its original species underwent mutation, it evolved its highly problematic ability to "sniff out" magic; leading it to discard a need for vision. It is noted they possess actual eyes, however they are a useless feature as the demon's unassisted eyesight is shockingly poor.

A felhunter will outrun you, do not attempt to escape on foot or on horse. It is a scientific fact a felhunter CAN outrun and cripple a horse, this was proven during the Third Ward where packs of these dog-like abominations chased down and crippled knight chargers.

Felhunters are predators. They will attack and kill almost anything in range, there are reported incidents where they have turned on their warlock handlers and devoured their carcass. It is important to note that a felhunter will always - unless commanded otherwise - attack an arcanist, they have a taste for the arcane; we are unsure if this was bred into them or innate.

To escape a felhunter is an arduous task, it is better to avoid them completely. I advise you to use a suppression device to mask your arcane presence, then take extra care to avoid their hunting grounds. The Blasted Lands are crammed full of demonically altered beasts, which will take their fancy over your hidden magical aura. In the then-unlikely case you are caught, conjure an enourmous mass of arcane energy -next- to the felhunter. They will proceed to devour that, which will take anywhere between ten seconds to two minutes depending on the enormity of the distraction, giving YOU enough time to hide and reapply your masking.

I do hope this helps you young man, Light Bless you on your travels. Please mail me again should you survive!


Wishing you the best of luck,
Archmage Serentyne.


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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by erwtenpeller on Tue Sep 03, 2013 6:00 am

Arenfel/Mikhael wrote:Please mail me again should you survive!
(( <3 ))

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Swan Emperor Arenfel on Tue Sep 03, 2013 6:11 am

Dear Sir/Madam Arenfel,

Why would a wizard decided to inflict a terrible fate on a settlement of any kind?

I read in the Weekly Azeroth Express (a fine and reputable publication) of a wizard who descended upon a town and burned many of its inhabitants with beams of fire from his fingers. He then granted all of the community owls the ability to speak, so that the townsfolk were haunted by plaintive cries for mice and worms at all hours.

Later he made some but not all of the townsfolk invisible so that they would be driven slowly mad and rub themselves up against the townsfolk at night and the non-dead, non-invisible townsfolk would find invisible townsfolk in their rooms at night further disturbing their sleep and destroying the concept of privacy.

Then when the townsfolk were too weak from sleep deprivation and paranoid, to stand the owls descended upon them and pecked at their noses, eyes and genitals.

Finally a portion of the few surviving townsfolk found that all of the doors had been turned into portals to remote parts of the world so that they could not enter or leave their homes and places of worship and had to enter and leave all the buildings through the windows.

Why would someone do that?

I look forward to reading your response.

Yours Sincerely,

Recruit Jenit Penfold, 157th Company

PS. I am confused and unsure of your gender, please advise.
Dear Jenit,

Thank you for your letter, Jenit.

First of all I would like you to forward me the article, along with any investigative notes and the location of the town affected by this "wizard's" gross abuse of magic. I will notify the Kirin-Tor, Stormwind Mage's Tower, and have this nipped in the bud. We do not tolerate wonton abuse of the arcane; we do not tolerate the suffering of others -caused- by the arcane; we do not stand for fools who think they are safely hidden after making such a misery of people's lives through the arcane. Did you know, there are at least two hundred and eighty four point three ways to break through an anti-scrying ward effectively?

Second of all... I am most apologetic, you are asking me to comment on mortal nature. A subject I profess myself to be not as knowledgeable on, as I am the mechanics of spell craft. However you have spent time and ink on sending me this heartfelt letter, I have an obligation to respond.

The arcane is unlike any other form of magic. Divine magic requires what is called, a "gatekeeper", a spiritual check-point which regulates the invocation of its power to produce an effect. A Paladin must believe they are truly righteous, before being able to smite an enemy. A Druid is at the mercy of the planet's will, nature, they cannot truly 'abuse' their gift. Magi are limited only by their conscience and their ability, which can lead to dire situations when that person is innately socio-or-psychopathic.

Some argue that wielding the arcane is no different than wielding a blade or a firearm, it gives rise to a power complex. This is an askew comparison, the magic is far more unlimited than a physical weapon; it gives form to your imagination. If that imagination is warped; so too is the magic. I train my apprentices to develop a strict mortal guideline before they tackle greater spell craft, this is not a widespread method of educating young arcanists.

Many academies and private schools value power over all, causing young minds to develop a thirst for power at a young age. This thirst for power is then rewarded and it gives rise to a superiority complex, explaining the arrogant stance some magi take against non-magi. When they no longer view non-magi as worthy individuals, they then come to view them as playthings; objects of amusement.

To answer your question Jenit, magi are people; people can be awful. However people can be brilliant; people can be honorable. It is important that we do not judge an entire profession based on the acts of few, as the horrible man/woman who cursed the poor village you described does not represent all of mage-kind.

Oh! Yes, your other question. To answer, I am male. Enclosed is an image of myself posing for "Arcanist Monthly" in December last year, I dare say I look rather good for a hundred and eighty six!


With regards,
Archmage Serentyne


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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Swan Emperor Arenfel on Tue Sep 03, 2013 8:38 am

As a soldier and tinker on the front with a love for alcoholic beverages, I have a question of utmost importance for you!
Mind, my knowledge of the Arcane is equal to the knowledge I have on the bottom of my mug, very little.

When I march into battle, I often do so with my trusty Mobile Alcoholic Beverage Dispensor (M.A.B.D. or just Matilda) on my back, she's capable of storing and mixing alcoholic beverages. And in both cases, it makes sure the booze remains cold, like you've just fished your mug out of a frozen lake in the beautiful Dun Morogh! That way I can keep the troops around me, and of course myself refreshed, and it's quite handy to numb the pain in case of a injury.

But! While my darling has a many lovely features already, it costs a many, many coins to refill her with -proper- booze everytime while fighting on a far away front. So I wonder, do you have any knowledge of a spell or rune that could keep the booze within her tanks flowing, without me needing to argue with our quartermaster every night? As in.. A spell with which my Matilda can generate her own -proper- booze. I've looked and created several blueprints to try and do this via technology, but the exotic materials required for such cost way more then I ever can dream of to earn in the military.

It would help the lads (and some lasses) and me on the front a great bunch, I look forward to your reply.


Light bless your wand,
Cpl. Hugir Strongbrew
157th "Wild Tempest" Company
Dear Hugir,

Fabulous! It warms my heart to hear of such ingenuity being deployed in the quest of fine alcohol, I myself am quite partial to whiskey! Why yes, when I and Alorah were but young apprentices we developed our own malt! "Baleful Polymorph" we named it after an in-joke arose over the transformational properties of alcohol on a persons psyche, and its similarities with the shift in behavior brought on by a polymorph.

Unfortunately we celebrated our induction as members of the Kirin-Tor by drinking three full bottles between us, which resulted in such chaos the first month of our annual salary had to be devoted to repairing the damage we had done...

Though before I go off on another tangent, let's address your problem! First of all: Conjured substances are always inferior to their original counterpart. The taste, intoxication effect and thirst quenching properties will be lesser than the alcohol you are currently purchasing to fill dear Matilda with. Secondly: You will need an object that can hold an arcane command/spell theorem, a focus crystal made of basic gemstone or clear mineral will suffice. Have an arcanist input the spell, then create a trigger switch to prompt the focus to produce the desired effect; just be wary of overfilling.

In short: Possible and cost effective but not as satisfying and delicious.

Please send another letter for more alcoholic advice (am I using this in the correct context)!

Fun Fact: Nielas Aran, father of Medivh, was one of the first magi on Azeroth to create a conjuration spell that produced alcohol! It allowed a mage to create sparkling apple cider from thin air, requiring only a knowledge of the spell and a frosty mug! This inspired a wave of alcohol related spells, causing the Kirin-Tor to tighten their drinking laws.


Wishing you the best of luck with Matilda,
Archmage Serentyne.


P.S - If you could let me know how it turns out, I'll share my conjured whiskey elemental spell with the Wild Tempest magi.

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Swan Emperor Arenfel on Tue Sep 03, 2013 8:48 am

To the esteemed Archmage Serentyne

First off may I say I am delighted to see this latest addition to The Times! It is an admirable undertaking to provide much-needed insight for those fearful, distrusting or fascinated with our craft. Now I suppose I should get to the point before I start rambling, or worse run out of ink.

Whenever I exit a portal, created by an associate or otherwise, I have a terrible habit for tripping up or losing balance on my way through. I dare say it is hardly due to my choice of clothing, given I rarely wear robewear - in my line of work they only get in the way, especially when running – and I am quite surefooted for my age.

Along such lines, in regards to your previous reply concerning short-range teleports I agree wholeheartedly with your point. While a spritely mage of not a few years myself, I have always taken great pleasure in the journeys that my own two feet have brought me.
If I may reinforce your opinion – my it seems I have plenty of ink after all! – in highlighting the threat of inexperienced magisters becoming accustomed to using magic as a ‘quick fix’ to everyday life.
While laziness can breed efficiency (I find that a lazy man will always seek a faster solution), this certainly does not apply to the arcane; A life of shortcuts will likely be a life cut short.

Oh, and a word out to previous correspondent Tim the Travelling Mage! Should you ever be in Stormwind, do drop by the Stormwind Library or the Kaldorei Embassy. I should very much like to share tea and travelling tales.


Yours wordfully,
The Confounder
Dear "The Confounder",

"A life of shortcuts will likely be a life cut short." Do you mind if I steal this wonderful quote for my next class? I have been searching fruitlessly for a simple phrase to illustrate the dangers of arcane misuse!

How are you entering portals? The proper etiquette for portal use is upper-body first; lower body second. You survey the area on the "out" end of the portal for a few seconds visually then decide if you wish to continue, then bring your legs through with the knowledge you just gained a moment ago. Always place your dominant leg through the portal first to get a better footing, for if you fall you now have the option to kneel with your stronger limb then save yourself with your upper body!

I do hope this helps. Is that offer for tea available for all traveling magi?


Wishing you better dexterity for your next portal transfer,
Archmage Serentyne.

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Fyffe on Thu Sep 12, 2013 4:28 pm

Oh! Yes, your other question. To answer, I am male. Enclosed is an image of myself posing for "Arcanist Monthly" in December last year, I dare say I look rather good for a hundred and eighty six!
Not to mention eligible. Wink

(Unlike most of the letters that end up in the AAA Junkbox, which are illegible =D)

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Adry on Tue Jul 08, 2014 3:44 pm

Dear darling,

As an old and vastly experienced Mage, you must have at some point contemplated going mad with power and/or trying to take over the world. What made you stop/stopped you/made you change your mind? Also, any hints for an aspiring Magess who may or may not want to take over the world would be appreciated.

Hugs and kisses,
Calamity xxxoxoxoxooxoxooxo

P.S. If you're up for cooperating, we could rule the world together

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Swan Emperor Arenfel on Wed Jul 09, 2014 7:32 am

Adry wrote:
Dear darling,

As an old and vastly experienced Mage, you must have at some point contemplated going mad with power and/or trying to take over the world. What made you stop/stopped you/made you change your mind? Also, any hints for an aspiring Magess who may or may not want to take over the world would be appreciated.

Hugs and kisses,
Calamity xxxoxoxoxooxoxooxo

P.S. If you're up for cooperating, we could rule the world together

Dear "Calamity", or what alternative moniker you are naming yourself at the time you read this letter.

I am quite insane, and comfortable. I have no intentions of ending the world, starting a revolution, ascending to godhood or ridding the universe of goats at this moment in time. Please check back in a number of weeks, when I will undoubtedly be driven to your desired quotient of insanity, as a direct result of having to suffer through your incessant and ostentatious compunction to FOLLOW ME -EVERYWHERE-!

Piss off, please.

Archmage Serentyne
Minister of Magic

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Thelos on Sat Jul 12, 2014 2:33 am

An old homeless woman is seen sifting trough the trash, scrounging for food. For some mysterious reason only known to Destiny, she stumbles upon a year-old newspaper from september 2013. She skims trough it and flips to the 'Arcane Agony Haunt' section. Gingerly sniffing the musty paper with her crooked nose, she cuts out the picture with her long, razor-sharp fingernails.


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The Picture


She presses the picture to her heart, and swoons.

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Charlie Blazesong on Sat Jul 12, 2014 9:21 am

Dear archmage Serentyne, I recently started my studies as a mage but my friends keep exploiting me for cake and other conjured snacks, they also keep ridiculing me telling me I'm a whimp. When will they grow to respect me? -Tony

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Swan Emperor Arenfel on Sat Jul 12, 2014 10:41 am

Charlie Blazesong wrote:
Dear archmage Serentyne, I recently started my studies as a mage but my friends keep exploiting me for cake and other conjured snacks, they also keep ridiculing me telling me I'm a whimp. When will they grow to respect me? -Tony

Dear Tony,

If you wish to be lulled into a falsehood, read this sentence and nothing else. They will respect you in time.

If you wish to know the truth, so that you can better arm yourself for life's maladies, read on.

As an arcanist, you possess the precious gift and insurmountable burden that all magi are made to bear. Throughout history there have been those who view sorcery as a lesser, cowardly alternative, to the masculine ideal of being burly - one eyed - war veterans with biceps thicker than Ashenvale oak trees.

Stand up for yourself, and learn to choose your battles wisely. These friends, they may exploit you for their confectionary desires, but I would recommend you take their sweet toothed demands and use it as practice for your conjuring skills. Just remember to inform them that one cannot live on a diet of fabricated meals.

One should never become a mage with the sole intention of garnering respect, one should always have a solid immutable rationale when acquiring arcane knowledge, find this reason and build up your own self-respect before you go seeking that of your peers.

Archmage Serentyne
Minister of Magic

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Skaraa on Sat Jul 12, 2014 10:43 am

Dear Arcane Agony Aunt,

I recently purchased what was advertised as a Philosopher's Stone, initially I was quite thrilled but almost immediately upon attempting to use said stone I began to encounter problems.
First, the stone does not function as specified as a material focus for the transmutation of precious metals.
Second, the stone weighs far more than estimates from the seller led me to believe. I find myself struggling to walk with it on my person, most often with my pants descending to my ankles when kept in my pocket.
Third, upon leaving the stone on my work bench or other location around the house and leaving my home, it reappears spontaneously in my pocket, often with embarrassing consequences (see above).
Forth, upon attempting to throw the stone away due to frustration, it flies back through the air to hit me in the back of the head and promptly reappear in my pocket after I turn around.
Finally, the seller from which I procured this item has disappeared and a quick chat with the Stormwind City Census officials reveal that a magic item merchant of his name is unknown, and likely has never existed, within the city.

An identification of this cursed item and a suggestion of how to relieve myself of it once and for all would be greatly appreciated.

Signed: Frustrated Alchemist.

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by erwtenpeller on Sat Jul 12, 2014 11:30 am

Dear Aunty,

I recently found myself romantically entangled with a sorcerer of means, and now it sparkles when I make tinkles.

I have tried traditional remedies from the urban druid around the corner, but nothing seems to work.

Signed: Frightened Fairy.

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Swan Emperor Arenfel on Sat Jul 12, 2014 12:07 pm

Skaraa wrote:Dear Arcane Agony Aunt,

I recently purchased what was advertised as a Philosopher's Stone, initially I was quite thrilled but almost immediately upon attempting to use said stone I began to encounter problems.
First, the stone does not function as specified as a material focus for the transmutation of precious metals.
Second, the stone weighs far more than estimates from the seller led me to believe. I find myself struggling to walk with it on my person, most often with my pants descending to my ankles when kept in my pocket.
Third, upon leaving the stone on my work bench or other location around the house and leaving my home, it reappears spontaneously in my pocket, often with embarrassing consequences (see above).
Forth, upon attempting to throw the stone away due to frustration, it flies back through the air to hit me in the back of the head and promptly reappear in my pocket after I turn around.
Finally, the seller from which I procured this item has disappeared and a quick chat with the Stormwind City Census officials reveal that a magic item merchant of his name is unknown, and likely has never existed, within the city.

An identification of this cursed item and a suggestion of how to relieve myself of it once and for all would be greatly appreciated.

Signed: Frustrated Alchemist.

Dear sir and or madam,

What you have purchased is not a true philosopher's stone, but a cursed Hearthstone.

If your account of the stone's inconveniences is one hundred percent accurate, then I can say with some certainty that you have purchased a Clingstone. These stones, aptly described by a portmanteau of Cling and Stone, have been instilled with the jealous drive of a Sayaad (Succubus) who has refused to leave their master's side because of fears about their precious summoner's failing loyalty.

To disenchant the stone, there are two methods.

1. At eight o'clock, night time, place the stone on a table and prepare a meal for two. Calmly discuss your relationship with the stone, and let them know it's not their fault; it's yours. You have changed, your circumstances are different, you're two different people, and break up with it. The stone will vibrate, and explode to release a myriad of hateful slurs.

2. If you're a sensitive soul, then you can dip the stone in an arcane solution. One tea-spoon arcane power; one owl feather; the errant third testicle of a bull; and the urine of an unfaithful man.

Please let me know if this works.

Archmage Serentyne
Minister of Magic

Swan Emperor Arenfel

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Swan Emperor Arenfel on Sat Jul 12, 2014 12:10 pm

erwtenpeller wrote:
Dear Aunty,

I recently found myself romantically entangled with a sorcerer of means, and now it sparkles when I make tinkles.

I have tried traditional remedies from the urban druid around the corner, but nothing seems to work.

Signed: Frightened Fairy.

Dear Terrified Woodland Creature,

It sounds to me as though your sexual partner has been abusing the substance known as "Dream Powder," which is a low-risk narcotic manufactured by mixing dried Dreamfoil with flecks of Crystallized Mana.

Sustain yourself on a diet of berries, spring water, and dried tea leaves for three days and your urine should run clear.

Archmage Serentyne
Minister of Magic

Swan Emperor Arenfel

Posts : 679
Join date : 2010-01-30
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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by erwtenpeller on Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:11 pm

(( Arenfel, these are absolutely brilliant. <3 ))

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Fyffe on Sun Jul 13, 2014 6:27 am

To Archmage Arenfel Serentyne, Stormwind Minister of Magic

Recently, we have been approached by a Mister Robert Gerwald of Gerwald’s Pork Farm in Westfall, who expressed great excitement at what he called “A business proposition”. He wished to pass on his own 'letter' (See enclosed parchment piece) to your column through our postal offices, while claiming a Ministerial Patent for his concept.

My biznuss propusichun:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

When asked to provide a more in-depth explanation, Mister Gerwald explained thusly;

“My farm be full of vermin these days. You can’t step out the door without near tripping on one! That Clementine robe bloke said there were wizards who turned the rats and critters about the town into animals.
I be wanting to know how much it costs to hire one to turn them all into pigs so’s I have more animals to sell to market."


In spite of our own repeated explanations as to why such practices are illegal under the Questionable Provisions Act, Mister Gerwald was insistent that I pass on his inquiry further to you for validation.
We would greatly appreciate your input in this matter, and I hope that your reply will be enough to show Mister Gerwald the error of his proposal, and that it will prevent other hopefuls from wasting the Ministry’s time with similar requests.

Yours respectfully,

Lawrence Appleby
Junior Secretary
Kingdom of Stormwind Department of Agricultural Affairs

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

Post by Swan Emperor Arenfel on Sun Jul 13, 2014 6:36 am

Fyffe wrote:
To Archmage Arenfel Serentyne, Stormwind Minister of Magic

Recently, we have been approached by a Mister Robert Gerwald of Gerwald’s Pork Farm in Westfall, who expressed great excitement at what he called “A business proposition”. He wished to pass on his own 'letter' (See enclosed parchment piece) to your column through our postal offices, while claiming a Ministerial Patent for his concept.

My biznuss propusichun:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

When asked to provide a more in-depth explanation, Mister Gerwald explained thusly;

“My farm be full of vermin these days. You can’t step out the door without near tripping on one! That Clementine robe bloke said there were wizards who turned the rats and critters about the town into animals.
I be wanting to know how much it costs to hire one to turn them all into pigs so’s I have more animals to sell to market."


In spite of our own repeated explanations as to why such practices are illegal under the Questionable Provisions Act, Mister Gerwald was insistent that I pass on his inquiry further to you for validation.
We would greatly appreciate your input in this matter, and I hope that your reply will be enough to show Mister Gerwald the error of his proposal, and that it will prevent other hopefuls from wasting the Ministry’s time with similar requests.

Yours respectfully,

Lawrence Appleby
Junior Secretary
Kingdom of Stormwind Department of Agricultural Affairs

Dear Mr. Appleby,

I have received no proposition, you were correct to inform me of this... rather bizarre though creative misguided business venture of Robert's.

The spell used to transform one person, into another, is called "polymorph". It is a portmanteau of "poly" which means "many", and "morph" which means "to change". It falls under the school of Transmutation, and it is most commonly used as a non-lethal method of placating or temporarily removing an individual so that the caster can go about their business unhindered.

There are three major "rules" one must adhere to when dealing with a morphed individual.

1. One cannot - at least to our knowledge - transform an individual into a creature more intelligent than the base species, this prevents up-scale polymorphs such as a rat into a human.

2. NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, INTRODUCE A TRANSMOGRIFIED INDIVIDUAL TO A PORTAL. THEY WILL EXPLODE.

3. Significant harm will revert the process. Inform Mr. Gerwald that should he attempt to butcher a poly-morphed creature, it will return to its original shape once the cleaver cuts the flesh.

Arenfel Serentyne
Minister of Magic

Swan Emperor Arenfel

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Re: Arcane Agony Aunt

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