[IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

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[IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by erwtenpeller on Wed Jul 03, 2013 2:51 pm

The following pamphlet seems to appear whenever it is convenient. Whenever someone thinks "Boy, it would sure be handy to have a healer right now!" a pamphlet dances into view on a gust of wind, one gets slid under your door, or it's found in the mailbox in the middle of the regular mail. They seem to be everywhere.

----

Tired of priests telling you how to live your life?
Looking for a solid, dependable source of divine products?
Look no further!

Turn to:

The Church of the Holy Profit
The Church is the upcoming go-to source for all your divine needs. We have a fine selection of on-demand pay-per-pray holy products, as well as a line of dependable priest-for-hire subscriptions.

Our priests are selected carefully on the purity of their entrepreneurial spirit. We deliver a full guarantee that they are completely free of moral obstructions. They are able to deliver top-of-the-line divine products, able to rival and exceed those of the Draenei, Human and Blood Elf churches. Without all the fuss(*1)!

Available Divine Products:
Basic Pay-per-Pray Services:
Pay-per-pray services are one-off deliveries of Divine Products. When ordered through Light-o-Matic(*2) stations found on many convenient locations across Azeroth, a priest of the church will be sent to a location of your choosing as quickly as possible(*3) through means of an air drop.

Low-Yield Divine Products.
Includes:
Lesser Healing.
Lesser Power Words.
Lesser Blessings.
Confessions(*4).

High-Yield Divine Products.
Includes:
Greater Healing.
Greater Power Words.
Greater Blessings.
Confessions & Forgiveness.
Exorcisms.
Curing of diseases.

Greater Miracles.
Includes:
Full Resurrection(*5).
"Divine Intervention" brand top-of-the-line shielding.
The smiting of heretics(*6).



Rent-a-Priest Subscriptions.
With a subscription to the church comes a free Priest at a location of your choosing, able to deliver Divine Products instantaneously on demand, depending on subscription level.

Bronze Subscription.
Includes:
One top quality rent-a-priest for the duration of the subscription.
Low-Yield Divine Products free of charge, and immediately available.
All other Divine Products available at a pay-per-pray basis.

Silver Subscription.
Includes:
One top quality rent-a-priest for the duration of the subscription.
All healing services free of charge, and immediately available.
Greater Miracles on a pay-per-pray basis.

Gold Subscription:
One top quality rent-a-priest for the duration of the subscription.
All divine products free of charge, and immediately available.
Comes with Rent-a-Priest performance guarantee(*7)!

Fine Print:

The following is printed in tiny lettering at the bottom of the pamphlet:

(*1): "Fuss" doesn't include: The composing of contracts and the administrative costs of billing.
(*2): Light-o-Matic stations are positions at many wonderous and unlikely places. There should always be one near you. Ask your local goblins about them!
(*3): Speed of arrival depends on the proximity of an airstrip.
(*4): Confessions do not include forgiveness.
(*5): Only availible if the following conditions are met:
The body of the resurrecte-to-be must be intact to a degree that it is possible to restore with the Light of the Profit.
The soul must be willing to return to the living world.
(*6): The definition of "herecy" is negotiable.
(*7): In the event when your appointed priest fails to deliver Holy Producs (Dead or otherwise incapacitated) a new priest unit will be delivered to a location of your choosing as swiftly as possible to fullfill the contractual obligations of the church.

(( Many thanks to Melnerag and Bloedneus. They've helped a lot with brainstorming. ))


Last edited by erwtenpeller on Wed Jul 03, 2013 3:03 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by Melnerag on Wed Jul 03, 2013 2:56 pm

Rihani reads the pamphlet and her soul is filled with the joyous Light as she no longer feels alone and misunderstood. There is an official Church sharing her views almost spot-on. If only they would come to Stormwind and surplant the stuffy old Church of the Holy Light!
She immediately sends a pamphlet to Jeremias Blackwell, anonymously of course. That guy needs to see this!


Last edited by Melnerag on Wed Jul 03, 2013 3:09 pm; edited 2 times in total

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by Catari on Wed Jul 03, 2013 3:00 pm

(( /worships erwtenpeller ))

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by erwtenpeller on Wed Jul 03, 2013 3:01 pm

(( Melnerag and Bloodnose should get a share of the credit, I've brainstormed a lot on the subject with both of them. Wink ))

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by Rae Wulfgnar on Wed Jul 03, 2013 3:26 pm

Melnerag wrote: Rihani reads the pamphlet and her soul is filled with the joyous Light as she no longer feels alone and misunderstood. There is an official Church sharing her views almost spot-on. If only they would come to Stormwind and surplant the stuffy old Church of the Holy Light!
She immediately sends a pamphlet to Jeremias Blackwell, anonymously of course. That guy needs to see this!

Jeremias leans back in his chair as he opens the Pamphlet. After a few moments the paper erupts into Holy fire and Jeremias roars in anger, his voice bellowing through the Cathedral ''FIND ME WHO MADE THESE! I WILL BRING THEM TO JUSTICE FOR THIS SLANDER!!''.

_____________________________________________________

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Commission prices

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by Melnerag on Wed Jul 03, 2013 3:51 pm

Written in Goblin


Respectable priests and holy executive officers of the Church of the Holy Profit,

I seek to obtain one of your high-yield divine products (Confession&Forgiveness). In brief, I have been accessory to slaying a servant of the Stormwind Church of the Holy Light, it is this incident I wish to have forgiven. My case is further complicated by my affiliation with the Burning Legion and high level of Fel corruption, however I have full confidence in your Church and your ability to frame a deal that circumvents this inconvenience.

I would prefer to take my confession in Booty Bay or Fuselight.

Please send a sales quote with the service you can provide and the price you are asking for it addressed to me to Booty Bay tavern. I am fluent in Goblin and Orcish, among other languages, and will not require the services of an interpreter.

I also request a sales quote for purchase of a life-long premium subscription for all your newsletters, magazines and pamphlets (translated into Common) for Jeremias Blackwell.

Lady Estherat,
The Graceful Flame, Guardian of Discord

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by Feral / Blackfall on Wed Jul 03, 2013 4:18 pm

Melnerag wrote:
I also request a sales quote for purchase of a life-long premium subscription for all your newsletters, magazines and pamphlets (translated into Common) for Jeremias Blackwell.

(BWAHAHAHAHAHA!)

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by Drustai on Wed Jul 03, 2013 4:31 pm

Areyah snorts as she reads over one of the pamphlets.

"What piss."

She tears it up and goes back to her work.

_____________________________________________________
[I] Drustai the Necromancer - Outcast
[A] RADM Areyah Conover - Missing in Action
[L] Saphra Emberstone - Felsworn
[H] Atsenkha - Former Kor'kron, Red Blade Tribesorc


"...in any bureaucratic organization there will be two kinds of people: those who work to further the actual goals of the organization, and those who work for the organization itself... In all cases, the second type of person will always gain control of the organization, and will always write the rules under which the organization functions."

—The Iron Law of Bureaucracy

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by Seranita on Wed Jul 03, 2013 5:36 pm

*having spent a while in the cathedral she wakes up one morning finding one of these on her chest.. she blinks and reads it with tired eyes,, then re reads it.. two more times before hissing and shredding the paper and stuffing it into the waste paper bin in the infirmary room*

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by Littlepip on Wed Jul 03, 2013 6:00 pm

Rae Wulfgnar wrote:Jeremias leans back in his chair as he opens the Pamphlet. After a few moments the paper erupts into Holy fire and Jeremias roars in anger, his voice bellowing through the Cathedral ''FIND ME WHO MADE THESE! I WILL BRING THEM TO JUSTICE FOR THIS SLANDER!!''.

Is staying in the cathedral praying when he suddenly hear the rather rude outburst of anger and glances up from his hands to look around in the room before shruging, going back to pray to the holy light.

Monrena wrote:*having spent a while in the cathedral she wakes up one morning finding one of these on her chest.. she blinks and reads it with tired eyes,, then re reads it.. two more times before hissing and shredding the paper and stuffing it into the waste paper bin in the infirmary room*

Is just done praying when he walks past the Infirmary and notice Monrena's actions.
"This place sure is lively today.. Wonder what-.."
Thor stumbles over one of the scrolls and reads quickly trough it before laughing and reads trough it again to make sure its not a joke.
"Pah, making money out of the light, now I have seen most that can be seen.. Whats next, flying elephants and talking mouses?"
Throws away the scroll in the cathedral before igniting it with a holy flint and tinder (Which you should totally be able to buy!) and walks away.

_____________________________________________________
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[A](Ploppy)Bavragor Stormbrew {Mountaineer} Deceased.
[H](Ríno)Rino Peddlebuttons {Flying Bolts} A cliché Goblin.
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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by Feeniks on Thu Jul 04, 2013 12:00 am

Emiraude finds a pergament, witch is slipped under her doorstep. She takes it up and reads in amzament.

"Use of Holy Light for monney? How could they? Such unintegrity! Only goblins and heretics could invent something like this! Light is a gift, given freely!...Better let Phaedria read this too..."

Emi takes the paper in and places to a table for her roommate to read.

ooc: Oh this is so rich! Mailorder Light \o/ I see the cash coming in, as people are dump enough to pay for something they can get normally for free( and with little effort), but when marketed in nice, fansy package, promising it to be easy as diet pill and reliable to get anywhere, anywhen and anyhow, they go for it lol! 

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by Darilas on Thu Jul 04, 2013 12:28 am

((these are goblins? Horde guild?))

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by erwtenpeller on Thu Jul 04, 2013 2:28 am

The following is a swiftly delivered letter tot the provided booty bay address.
RE: No Subject wrote:
Dear Lady Estherat.

Thank you for your interest in our products.

Please find your way to a nearby Light-o-Matic, make the required communication-donation, and one of our clerics will arrange a meeting.

This has been an automated reply from the Church of the Holy Profit.
Personal responses become available after a personal donation to the Church.


OOC Replies to posts:

Darilas wrote:((these are goblins? Horde guild?))
The Light of the Profit is blind to race, gender or creed, Darilas. The only color it recognizes is the shimmer of gold.
erwtenpeller wrote:The following pamphlet seems to appear whenever it is convenient.
I find it entirely hilarious that, appearantly, "convinient" means the Stormwind Cathedral. I wonder how those sneaky goblins managed to spread their pamphlets that far?? The Light of the Profit works in mysterious ways! /cackle

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by Jeanpierre on Thu Jul 04, 2013 2:45 am

*somewhere in Elwynn, Jack bandages his arm from a wolf-bite when the note appears out of thin air. After a moment of surprise and confusion, he reads it carefully*

"If I get it right.. The golden subscription forces them to send a new priest when the old one dies. It doesn't have any clause on who is responsible for this death. Would a dead priest be worth more than you?"
*Jack eyes the dead wolf in front of him*
"I could kill the one they sent me, then demand a new one. Again and again. The meat might not sell too well.. And the skin neither. Unless they have valuables.. but that won't work for a long time. Bah. Worthless."
*Jack throws the note away*

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by Thelos on Thu Jul 04, 2013 3:01 am

Huruma reads a pamphlet the Wind of Providence have literally blown into his hands while he was scanning the horizon for infiltrators. After reading it carefully, he quotes a Naaruvada text:

"The Light speaks to us in our own voice."

Then, proceeding to add in his own voice:

"The Army of Light marches on."

Against all odds, the Vindicator seems to approve of this!

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by Lavian on Thu Jul 04, 2013 3:35 am

Lavian somehow ends up with a copy during the wild tempest base in Stonetalon mountains, how odd. She reads over it with a subtle sigh.

"Hmph.. I'll give them that, it's creative. I'm sure people of the light have been doing it well before this rather public approach but... People will pay for this service, no doubt."

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"Lavian" - Former Scourge officer, Knight of the Ebon Vigil.

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by erwtenpeller on Thu Jul 04, 2013 3:38 am

OOC REPLIES:

Lavian Dawson wrote:People will pay for this service, no doubt.
My own goblin priest character is currently serving [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]' boss Grim Stonepaw under a gold subscription Wink

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by erwtenpeller on Mon Nov 18, 2013 3:06 pm

The Church of the Holy Profit is still around! For great entrepreneurial justice!

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

Post by Littlepip on Tue Nov 19, 2013 4:52 pm

I had completely forgotten about it..

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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!

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