Gnash Stronghand's Guide to the Tavern - Vol. I

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Gnash Stronghand's Guide to the Tavern - Vol. I

Post by Kil'drakor on Mon Aug 08, 2011 6:24 am

Published post mortem

Introduction
As an avid drinker and gambling enthusiast I cannot stress the joy the tavern can bring. As a well-known patron of the Orgrimmar drinking establishments, I've comprised a small starter's guide to the tavern. In this first issue the subjects that will be covered are Tavern Etiquette, Tavern Tricks and finally a fair warning. I hope it will inspire those that have taken an interest in drinking and hollering. Remember, orcs, we can all rise to become the star of the tavern - a mountain is only as steep as its slope!

***

Speaking the language
To become a member of the inner drinking circle, a full-fledged patron of Orgrimmar's fine establishments, an orc must speak the language of Orgrimmar. When entering a tavern for the first time in the city, expect to be met with hostile stares and disproving grunts. Do not flinch! These are normal greetings! Continue and sit down at the bar. You'll most likely be watching the proprietor's back at this moment.

The next step is crucial. The proprietor will ask you, facing neck, if "You want a shot of Blue Balls?". Do not accept! If you do, the patrons will grab your arms, knee you in the groin and throw you in the gutter. Instead, mutter - almost inaudibly - a low 'no'.

If you pass this test, the proprietor will turn to face you and ask broad-grinned "What's the matter, never been to a tavern before?" Now - and this is key - slap your knee, slam your other fist on the counter and turn to the patrons, bellowing: "I dunno, you ever worked in one?!" and chuckle loudly.

If you have done as stated above, the patrons will laugh in your example and, accordingly, buy you a round of drinks. Congratulations, you are not accepted among the drunkards, crooks and ne'er-do-wells of Orgrimmar!

***

The market hustle
A trick for which the author has fallen many a time (most of which he cannot remember, but he did wake up naked in a barrel on numerous occasions) is the market hustle. Scour the tavern for a patron with something of value or something you need. Approach this patron and strike up a conversation ("Mok-ra. Damn, you heard about that big Maelstrom Thrall tried to subdue? Isn't as big a hole as [enter prostitute's name here]'s snatch though!")  

Now that you've become friendly with the patron, tell him you want to make a small bet. Say this - and say it word for word - "Nice [enter desired object here]. Tell you what -- if I can tell you where you got it, will you give it to me? If I guess wrong, I'll buy you a round of drinks!" whilst giving him an amical slap on the back or punch on the shoulder.

The patron agrees to the bet. Now, laugh long and obnoxiously, pointing at the object. "You got it right there, you dumb shit! Now hand it over!" Congratulations, drinker, you have just obtained the desired item!

***

The wine list
A saying that often leads to caved in heads is 'asking for the wine list'. A grave mistake! Orgrimmarians despise wines (not strong enough a drink) and in particular lists (reading is considered something for shamans and sissies), so combining both can only lead to harm! Requests for wine lists often lead to lynch mobs and public hangings. Do not attempt!

Kil'drakor

Posts : 852
Join date : 2010-01-30

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