The Bronze Kettle

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The Bronze Kettle

Post by Jayse on Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:56 am

Just a short scene. Takes place roughly 3 weeks after I started Jayse on the server. In the middle of being framed for double murder and currently a traitor to the crown.

(Ironforge. On the run from SI:7. Jayse realising he was being followed made a countermove to get the drop on the surveillance. Upon entering the back room of the Bronze Kettle. Grabbing the 'Agent' as soon as he entered the door and slammed it shut, pinning him to the wall by the neck in a tight grip)

Jayse "Who sent you?..."

Agent "Guh.. Feck you Ravenwest!"

(Jayse squeezes the agents neck, then drags him to the bookcase and opens an empty drawer. Slamming the agents head through the splintering wood)

Jayse "So you know my name.. who sent you?.."

Agent "GAH! Sh-shit... S-Section Seven.. your a traitor!"

Jayse "Oh.. i'm not a traitor, I was setup.. and whoever wants me dead.. has something to do with you.."

Agent "Feck you!"

(The Agent pulls a knife and takes a swing. Jayse steps back and slams his forearm into the the attackers in parry and makes a grab for the knife weilding wrist. Under the reflex shock of a twisted arm the agent releases the knife, Jayse takes it and slams the Agent's head into the desk, followed by the knife impaling the Agents hand to the wood. The Agent screams in pain.)

Jayse "Talk.."

Agent "F-Fec- ALRIGHT!.. M-Miles.. what you did two years ago.. he hasn't forgot it... you can't run, they know where you are.."

Jayse "Miles was disgraced from the agency after the incident.. dead people usualy remain dead.. where is he?"

Agent "I d-don't know!"

Jayse "Your not Section Seven.. your just a decoy.."

Hired Muscle '"Alright! But I d-don't know anything!"

Jayse "Oh.. I'm willing to bet your neck you do.. make it easy for yourself.."

Hired Muscle "GUH! N-no.. you'll kill me.."

Jayse "Oh.. I won't kill you.. I wan't you alive to send him a message.."

(Jayse pulls the knife from it's embed, throwing it into the door. Taking the Agent once again by the back of the head and slams face first into a mirror on the wall)

Hired Muscle "GAAAH! S-s-shit... H-Hero's Welcome.. r-room twenty six.. He's g-got an operation in A-Alterac.. b-buying in chaos energy from the c-consortium p-please.. d-dont tell him I s-said a-anything.. h-he'll kill me.."

Jayse "Chaos energy.. he's building a weapon..."

Hired Muscle "I d-don't know.. they don't tell me anything.. I-I was just sent to follow you.. i'm n-not important.. don't tell him I t-told you.."

(Jayse twists the Thugs head sharply with both hands breaking his neck cleanly with a sickly crack. The body slumping to the floor like a sack)

Jayse "Oh.. I won't say anything. Promise.."

_____________________________________________________
Arm yourself because no one else here will save you.. The odds will betray you.. and I will replace you..

Jayse

Posts : 1081
Join date : 2010-01-29
Age : 32
Location : Elwynn House, Stormwind

Character sheet
Name: Jayse Ravenwest
Title: International Man of Mystery

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Re: The Bronze Kettle

Post by Mordazan on Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:16 pm

you story style is somewhat unique, with the dialogue in focus. It works well enough, but lacks a lot of description for my taste (but hey, some say that less is more!)

I don't like your portray of Jayse though. He seems it 100% control of the situation without any effort, his skills making him vastly supirior to his clumbersome opponent and his very pressence enough to make a hired killer studder and beg for his life.

He is a bit too super hero for my taste. It might just be this situation, but I like a more human main character with flaws and feelings.

That said, carry on, it is nice to get some insight to the shady side of the good life! Remember that most of my critique is based on personal preference.

Mordazan

Posts : 160
Join date : 2010-02-02
Age : 27
Location : Denmark

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Re: The Bronze Kettle

Post by Magaskawee/Anaei on Thu Jul 01, 2010 3:01 pm

Frankly I have to disagree with Mordazan; Jayse is a deadly weapon, one that cannot be beaten by some hired blade. I think you portrayed him well, knowing that were you confronted by a worthy opponent, Jayse would perhaps struggle.

And i'd shit myself if I was alone in a room with Jayse, let alone having to try and kill him!

_____________________________________________________
Characters;
- (Magaskawee/Magaskawée) of the Plains, "The voices within me, they speak beyond the veil of death.
- (Pamuyaa) Earthmender Pamuyaa Cloudstrider, "The earth cries out for healing."
- (Encendia) Good Witch Encendia, "I represent the take a wish foundation."
- (Isabelle) Isabelle 'Izzy' Goldshore, "My daddy owns you wholesale."

Magaskawee/Anaei

Posts : 2882
Join date : 2010-02-18
Age : 26
Location : Northern Ireland

Character sheet
Name: Magaskawee Grimtotem
Title: Elder Crone of the Banner of the Bloodhoof

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Re: The Bronze Kettle

Post by Jayse on Thu Jul 01, 2010 3:03 pm

Well it wasn't intended to be written as a deep character peice.. it's just a small scenario of a larger picture that takes place in all of probably what.. five minutes. Aiming to instill a little bit of suspense and showing a man on the edge if you will.

And well.. he's SI:7. It's his job to make hired killers wet thier pants. Or he wouldn't be very good at his job. But I think it's evident from the dialogue, this guys got more mouth then actual balls to back them up.

I think your looking to much into it. Also.. Jayse does have many flaws. However being the dark overlord we don't generally RP like that together so you don't see them yourself.

However thankyou for the feedback Smile

_____________________________________________________
Arm yourself because no one else here will save you.. The odds will betray you.. and I will replace you..

Jayse

Posts : 1081
Join date : 2010-01-29
Age : 32
Location : Elwynn House, Stormwind

Character sheet
Name: Jayse Ravenwest
Title: International Man of Mystery

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Re: The Bronze Kettle

Post by Mordazan on Thu Jul 01, 2010 3:14 pm

whoa, no need to get so serious xD

I basically said: When I read a story (if I were to pay for your book) the main character should be more human - less super special agent/part time ninja Razz

Personal preference. When I read stories. I don't know jack about Jayse as a character Razz

Comments should be seen purely in context of the written piece!

Mordazan

Posts : 160
Join date : 2010-02-02
Age : 27
Location : Denmark

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Re: The Bronze Kettle

Post by Jayse on Thu Jul 01, 2010 3:19 pm

Yea I understand. My intention with it wasn't to be so fully descriptive. As in describing mood, setting and investing alot of emotional drive into it. It's simply written as a bit of an action scene with the main attention on the exhange of dialogue.

And well I am serious when I write and make artwork about Jayse. Granted you don't know about Jayse as a character is fair play. However alot of people do and alot of people don't really see this side of him. Which is why I decided to try and put it into view a little more. To show more sides to him then what is generaly seen through ingame RP.

_____________________________________________________
Arm yourself because no one else here will save you.. The odds will betray you.. and I will replace you..

Jayse

Posts : 1081
Join date : 2010-01-29
Age : 32
Location : Elwynn House, Stormwind

Character sheet
Name: Jayse Ravenwest
Title: International Man of Mystery

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Re: The Bronze Kettle

Post by Valerias on Thu Jul 01, 2010 3:47 pm

I enjoyed it... just a really nice stylistically done spy-scene, and as you said, one of those sides of Jayse that you don't have the chance to show in RP very often. I always love hearing people fill in the gaps about their characters, so yeah, well done.

Valerias

Posts : 1945
Join date : 2010-02-02
Age : 30

Character sheet
Name: 'Lady' Vale
Title: courtesan

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Re: The Bronze Kettle

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